No one tells you that your day has come, you can only pick up on it from the signs: Our last “fuckable” day. For celebrities, their last fuckable day is quite apparent to them, especially when they start being casted as moms or much more tamed roles. For us real people, the point in which we reach an unfuckable status happens with the combination of both self-portrayal and societal feedback. Here, Amy Schumer stumbles upon the celebrity celebration of Jane Louis-Dreyfus’s last Fuckable day with Tina Fey and Patricia Arquette.
So, you may not find people in your life casting you as the spinster instead of the bomb-shell, but there are other signs that you can pick up on that will tell you whether you have approached your last fuckable day.
Signs that it is time to celebrate your last “fuckable” day
- When young people start to call you ma’am
- When it is time to put all of your shorts into retirement
- When dressing up is putting on lipstick
- When you go out with your dad and keep getting mistaken for his wife
- When you throw out a reference from the 80’s and realize that everyone with a dazed look was born in the 2000’s
- When your little black book is full of names that end in M.D.
- When you can’t find one of your favorite classic movies to rent… ANYWHERE
- When you don’t know any of the artists on the top 40 list
- When you feel sexy on a Saturday night in an oversized sweater and stuffing your face with popcorn
- When you look forward to your BIG nights on the couch binge watching a Netflix series
- When your idea of grabbing a drink is a hot tea at a reputable café
- When “going out” becomes more of a chore than a pleasure
Why celebrate your last “fuckable” day
The day just kind of sneaks up on us and may come earlier for some. But, I’d like to highlight here that it isn’t the worst thing to happen. I’m with Amy Schumer and the crew on this one; it is a time to celebrate.
- You don’t have to worry about your looks
- People will give you their seat on the bus
- Young men offer to carry your bags up or down the stairs
- If you are single, you don’t need to waste time on shallow men
- You have a right to exercise your elder privileges
Becoming unfuckable to the world seems much more of a blessing because you no longer have to abide by anyone else’s standards. In a sense, yes, you fade off into the background, but you are not disappearing. You become more of a wallflower, unbothered, unnoticed but observing everything and everyone else. It’s a little bit like viewing the world underneath your Harry Potter invisibility cloak. The ones who hold on to their fuckability late in their years typically have made the choice to prologue it or were just blessed with the right genes. It can be an exhausting game to keep up with the maintenance and all the fuss but is also quite the morale booster when a young lad offers up a nice comment.
Though, we should all know, and I want you to keep in mind, that the societal “unfuckable” status is only a distraction like knowing what the latest hashtag trend is or which new organic tampon is hip. We all stay fuckable up to the end of our days, especially women. Unfortunately, it’s the men who will lose their ability to keep the engine running in their old age. Despite this reality, often times, women are targeted for losing their sex drive during menopause. Though this is a symptom, it does not mean women lose all of their sexual desire. We are human beings and we like pleasure, especially if we’ve endulged in that pleasure again and again… and again and again, we don’t just roll over when menopause hits and say “OK, I guess that’s it for me.”
We may not look fuckable, but we are fucking – a lot!
So, we remain sexually active but not in the minds of the young. That might be why we all used to cringe when we thought of old people doing it. But, this again serves as a benefit. While all these youngsters are trying so hard to uphold an unrealistic standard in this day and age of social media and dating app perfection, the unfuckable women are slyly smiling because they no longer have to keep up with the Jones’ and can still enjoy their sex life. And the best part is we can enjoy it with privacy. When no one is interested in our sex lives, we are no longer obligated to share it and it becomes our own – how refreshing.
However society wants to classify our sexual status – whether fuckable or not, we definitely still like to fuck and happily enjoy it in private!